The Adult children of Divorce Series -Trauma Vs Closure.

Continuing our series, we are talking about the major side effects commonly experienced by adults, who experience divorce as children. This week we will be discussing the grief of losing your first family.

For most parents the decision to separate or divorce often comes after much consideration and thought. Divorce is not an impulsive decision. Therefore, once the divorce proceedings are finalized most people experience a sense of closure. What most parents may not understand is that, what may be closure for them, can sometimes translate into the genesis of trauma for the children experiencing this loss. Nothing compares to the grief of losing your “first family”. The children are expected to move along as the parents have and expected to feel the same type of “closure” that the parents feel as they commence second or third families.

“Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved” (from the book Second Chances).

The truth is as much as we can move on and experience some level of closure, we are all made up of both sides of the family, and for most children the loss of that family structure can be devastating, well into their adult years. Yes, divorce for the parents is extremely difficult too, however the closure they seek for their own stability should not come at the expense of a child’s connection with their other half of the family.

Let us not forget that family comes from God. Not only through creation but within Himself. God is family. He created the structure of family with a very intentional purpose where both roles are necessary and intrinsic for an individual’s holistic growth. Even though most of us are products of a broken home, through God’s healing power, it is still possible to experience a life of joy, peace, happiness, and love. Healing does not mean ‘having no more wounds’ or the absence of pain. Healing has to do with your attitude, thoughts, heart, and embodying certain virtuous characteristics in response to the wounds.

We cannot do this healing work on our own or even with the best psychological tools. We need deep spiritual healing; we need God’s mysterious grace to facilitate healing, Christ’s way. Christ did not come to remove all suffering from this earthly life, but rather to fill all suffering with His presence. It’s this very presence that has the power to wash away decades of pain, rejection, hurt and loss and replace it with a moment’s peace, a lifetime of hope and endless love.

Yes, our ‘first family’ may have been altered or broken, but how beautiful is it that we not only have an eternal Father, but we also get the opportunity to recreate a family of our choosing. How awesome is that?!