The Adult children of Divorce Series -Abandonment.

Continuing our series, I would like to talk about major side effects commonly experienced by adults, who experience divorce as children. One of them is abandonment.

Abandonment definition: an act or instance of leaving a person or thing permanently and completely.

I remember when I was in preschool, the highlights of my days were when my dad would pick me up from school. You might think that yes, most kids are excited about that too, but for me this was more than just another pick up. My dad was a police man, and he would fetch me dressed in his police uniform. It was so cool! Every time he would walk into class everyone would just stare at him in awe and I would proudly walk up to him, hold his hand and start strutting out of school with that ‘yeah that’s my dad” swagger.

Then one day, it just stopped. My mom started fetching me from school and the rest became history.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing, when applied with wisdom. As a child I blocked out the pain of losing significant moments like that, completely unaware that it would follow me into my teenage and adult years.

When he stopped coming, I felt abandoned, and it instilled a fear of abandonment in me about all my relationships. I developed problems trusting people to be there for me, believing that when the going got rough, people would leave me. I never learned any skills for solving conflict in relationships. As much as I desperately craved intimacy and love, the closer someone came to me, the more terrified I was of getting hurt, or worse abandoned. I subconsciously sabotaged relationships, because I didn’t trust that love would last. I became a recluse, with walls so high and so impenetrable that no one could get in.

As adults, the fear of abandonment—the lesson that “love stops” or that conflict leads to permanent separation—continues. However as dismal as this reality may seem, it is not completely hopeless. We may have begun life with a distorted lens of love and commitment, but we also get to choose to find purpose in the pain and recreate a different experience for ourselves in the present.

As children of divorce, we can take heart that we are lovable and loved, no matter how many times we’ve felt abandoned by people in our lives. We can also rest in the fact that our Lord will never abandon us, no matter what. That can give us the confidence we need to begin to trust others again, and in so doing find the joy that comes from authentic, trustworthy love, allowing us to make meaningful commitments and relationships that last.

Psalm 27:10 – Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.